Dreams... 6/10/10

Lately I've been dreaming a lot about Cody. I wish I knew why... Last night, in my dream, we were on a bus and he was sitting in front of me. I got up enough courage to thank him for being there for me. So, this dream is one of those really life-like dreams, I sat next to him. I looked at him and said, "Cody, thank you for always being there for me." I then closed my eyes and felt something warm and familiar on my forehead. I opened my eyes and he kisses me again on the cheek.

"You don't have to thank me, " he said, " I do it because I love you, Samm. I want to be sort of like your 'protector,' okay?"

He then took my face in his hands and kissed my lips gently. Oh, God... It felt like his real kisses. I missed them so much. He looked right into my eyes and said the thing I could listen to every single day from him, "I'm in love with you, Samm. Why don't you understand that I'm only in your life because we're meant for each other?"

I looked at him and into his dream-eyes. There were no lies hidden in there... I was about to say I loved him too, but I got a call. I woke up at 3:45 AM from a call from Julian. He was telling me how the person watching him was smoking weed in his house with her friends. I think Julian and I are done fighting for now... It kills us both inside, and honestly, there is no point to it. We both know we love each other like crazy... I guess I was just nervous about him being gone all summer. I signed up for the Von Liebig, but I really don't wanna go, haha. Cody's been there through it all... He's been in my heart since August 23, 2009... I mean, we didn't start going out until September 4, 2009, but it's been just truly amazing to know someone like him. Everyone thinks he's an asshole, but quite honestly, I don't see it at all. I only see the sweet, caring, lovable boy I met. That's truly all he'll ever be to me. My first true love. It's still kind of a shock to me that I was the first person in two years who made him actually happy. I kinda wonder if he still thinks of me that way... The same way he felt when we saw 9... It's a little weird actually talking to him again, but it's okay. At least we're becoming somewhat of friends again. He's such an amazing person despite of what everyone says about him; even he talks shit about himself. He doesn't understand that I don't care that he looks the way he does. I don't care that he made mistakes in the past... I'm sick of having "more than just friends" feelings about him. For some reason he's in my life and always holds me at my highest and takes a stand for me. I just hope these feelings don't get in the middle of Julian and me...

-Sammie T

Don't Know Why 5/24/10

I don't know why, but Julian's still in love with me. It's nice. He gave me a gorgeous ring today. It's silver with two tiny diamonds, and a beautiful star sapphire in the middle. It's kind of hard to date someone who hasn't gone through the Journey, ALPS and even Leadership. I hate school... I'm stuck with so many crabs. It hurts. Katya and Adriana made me cry today. I'd tell Katya how I feel, but she's not really trustworthy. Even Sam gets it. I even explained to her that no one "needs" the Journey; everyone deserves it. I am a beautiful, deserving, intelligent leader. I need a picture for my locket. I'm starting to sell my art to donate to the starfish foundation and the no-kill animal shelter I'm going to create here. I'm the type of person who'd always choose animals over people because I stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves. Speaking of no-kill animal shelters, I need to find out how much it costs to make one happen and the requirements for one. I'd love to have one so I could help those who can't help themselves. I love everyone, but it's so hard to be tolerant sometimes, especially when those you need to tolerate have so many masks on. I can't wait until summer. I can start over. Meet new people. Get rid of the people who bring me down. I love my team... I really do... I know I can count on them with everything. They're the types of people I love so much. I know we'll always have a strong bond no matter what. Julian Lurie... I don't know how to describe him... Perfect? Haha... No. But it's pretty damn close. I can be a little kid again with him around... It's nice...

-Sammie T

Fallen. 5/5/10

So my heart's been taken by another. He's amazing. Everything I want in a guy. I hope he's the one... He loves me back. He plays football, he likes MMA, and we have a ton in common. My heart truly loves him... Waking up with him next to me made me so fucking happy. I love him. He's my best friend.

Julian Lurie, I really do love you.

-Sammie T

Heartbroken.

So. Last night, Kal and I broke up... I think. It's tearing me to shreds. Here's the most amazing guy in the world and he picked ME of all people... He tells me I'm his everything... Then decides he just randomly doesn't love me anymore... I fell for him harder than I fell in love with Cody. I never have marriage dreams... Ever. I can't stand the idea of getting married... But with Kal, I had one. He said I'm too clingy... It's just me, sorry, Pal. I was gonna buy tickets to go surprise him for his birthday... Spend the day with him... Show him I really do love him, but that just went completely down the gutter. I love him... I truly do. I wish I knew why this always happens to me... I can't get away from this shit. It's at home, school, online, everywhere I look... I can't even look at Kal anymore... I completely dedicated everything to him, which was so stupid of me. Why can't I take advice...? I miss him more than words can explain... I'm in complete love with you, sorry...

-Sammie

Life... Is weird.

Kal. Oh, Kal. I love him more than anything in my life. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. I just wish I wasn't so scared I'm gonna lose him. If I lost him... Wow... Just thinking about it makes me cry. I love my Kalbear more than anything in this world. He's made me feel real. I was stupid to tell him my dream on the bus today. I just wish it didn't make us awkward. I could spend forever with him. I wish I could show him how I feel about him through actions, but I don't know how to... Kal, if you're reading this, I love you more than anything... And I'm sorry I screw up so much... I love you, baby. More than you can imagine. I love you so so so much. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I hope you know that. You're the best... Maybe if we were physically together this would be so much easier...

-Sammie

Birthday.

So I was just thinking about what I wanted for my birthday, and I realized all I want is to spend the day with Kal... Like physically have him here for my birthday. But for those who can't give me that, I just want money or book store gift cards. For mangas. Haha. I need to stop spending money so carelessly. I'd cry if I could be with Kal on my birthday. Tears of happiness. I'd rather be anywhere but here without him. I love Kal. So much. I wanna impress his sister because they're so close. I want her to like me... He's lucky to have someone that close to him. I wish I did. I block people out. I'm starting to let Kal in; though it's hard. I try to keep strong in front of him... I'm so scared I'll lose him from my stupidity. I always tend to screw things up, so I'm trying my hardest to not do anything stupid. I don't know why I was scared he'd cheat... I guess it's because whenever I get attached they hurt me... All those boys I've dated in the past have mentally crippled me. Kal's the one who can help me... I love you...

-Sammie

Why?

I really miss Kal when he's not here... I cried again last night, but I'm not sure why. I kinda wonder if he still loves Nikki. I feel really sick today. I'm wheezing a little. I wanna get my asthma checked out again. I love Kal... I know he'd never cheat, but my paranoia from the others still creeps up sometimes. I really don't feel well at all... I wonder what's up... I miss him... I miss his smile... I wish I coulda seen him last night... We didn't talk much last night, but it's okay. He's so excited to see his sister. I wish I had a sibling; it'd be nice. I dunno any other people who are only children. It gets boring being home alone all the time, and the pressure is so much greater with one kid. I wish I could say more about Kal today, but I don't know what to say other than the hole he filled feels like it's coming back... It's terrifying. I don't want him to leave... I really gotta change the way I am. I'm not interesting, smart, and certainly I'm not pretty anymore. Not now that I cut my hair. I regret it. So much. I love Kal... My feelings won't change a bit. But I'm scared I'm not good enough for him... He's perfect and I'm just a messed up jealous bitch... I kinda wonder how he can even stand me. He could be with so many other amazing girls, but he chose me. Why?

-Sammie